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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23491459">The Whole Circus</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/toyhto/pseuds/toyhto'>toyhto</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Peaky Blinders (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, I feel like there's a hint of fluff in this story what the hell, M/M, Post-Season/Series 03, Sharing a Bed, Tumblr Prompt, Vacation</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 09:27:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,264</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23491459</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/toyhto/pseuds/toyhto</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tommy goes on a vacation. Alfie comes with him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tommy Shelby/Alfie Solomons</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>191</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Whole Circus</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/weeo/gifts">weeo</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is written for weeo for Fanfiction Trope Mash-Up! The prompt was either In vino veritas + Vacation fic or Erotic dreams + Roommate AU. But why choose when you think you can have everything! So, I tried to put all those things in this story, and additionally there was only one bed. Of course. The working title of this story was 'Vacation Drunk Roommate Fantasy AU'.</p><p>You can say hi to me on <a href="http://toyhto.tumblr.com">tumblr</a>!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had to be a joke.<br/>
<br/>
He stopped at the doorway and turned to Ada, who didn’t look surprised about the fact that there was Alfie Solomons standing beside the car right in front of Tommy’s house. Then he glanced at Alfie, who was smiling.<br/>
<br/>
“What the fucking hell?” he asked.<br/>
<br/>
Ada crossed her arms over her chest. She didn’t seem worried about his tone, despite his best efforts. “He’s your ride.”<br/>
<br/>
“Alfie Solomons is my ride?” He took a cigarette and lit it.<em> No fucking way</em>. This whole thing had seemed like a bad idea from the beginning, but this was just too much.<br/>
<br/>
“Yeah, mate,” Alfie said, smiling. The bastard looked healthy and alive, which was kind of nice. Tommy hadn’t heard much of him since the last time Alfie had crossed him and they had almost shot each other.<br/>
<br/>
“He’s also your company,” Ada said in her most stubborn voice. “For your vacation.”<br/>
<br/>
Tommy took a deep breath. This might be a problem. Ada clearly had her fight face on. And Tommy didn’t have patience for an argument, not today. He hadn’t slept much in, what had it been, three nights or something.<br/>
<br/>
“That’s true, mate,” Alfie said, still smiling. Tommy wanted to punch the bastard on the face, only not really, because he was too fucking tired.<br/>
<br/>
“I’m not going,” he said instead. It was simple enough.<br/>
<br/>
What he didn’t realise was why he didn’t just walk back to the house after that. Ada was watching him, Alfie was watching him, and he just stood there smoking his cigarette.<br/>
<br/>
<em>You need to take some time off</em>, Ada had told him. He had said that he fucking didn’t. But then Polly had said the same thing, repeatedly, and Polly could be frightening when she wanted to. And then Arthur had said it. And then Frances, his housekeeper. She had said it nicely enough but so many times that he had started thinking about it.<br/>
<br/>
He hadn’t been sleeping much lately. Well, he hadn’t been sleeping much since the war, but lately, it had gotten worse. He felt like a fucking ghost at his best.<br/>
<br/>
That was why he had agreed. He had let Ada set up the whole thing and Frances pack his suitcase for him, he had let Lizzie empty his calendar, and he had told Charlie he would be away for a few days. For a week, at most. To be honest, he felt like he was somewhere else even when he was <em>here</em>, so it wouldn’t make much difference.<br/>
<br/>
But now it looked like he wasn’t going anywhere.<br/>
<br/>
“Tommy,” Alfie said, “come on. Your sister’s booked you a week in a nice seaside resort in Brighton. You won’t even see me there. Unless you want to, of course.”<br/>
<br/>
“So, why’re you going?”<br/>
<br/>
“Well, certainly there’s got to be someone to make sure that you actually go and enjoy your holiday,” Alfie said, watching him. “Someone with a gun.”<br/>
<br/>
Ada looked slightly uneasy at that. Tommy’s face felt a bit weird, and then he realised he was kind of smiling a little. “So, you’re going to pull a gun at me if I don’t enjoy my holiday.”<br/>
<br/>
Alfie shrugged. “Yeah, I suppose I am.”<br/>
<br/>
“That sounds very relaxing.”<br/>
<br/>
“For someone like yourself, yeah, I suppose it is. You’d probably even sleep better if someone pointed a gun at you.”<br/>
<br/>
Tommy bit his lip and put away the cigarette. “Sorry you had to drive all the way here for nothing, Alfie. Good day.” He nodded at the man and turned to walk back inside. Ada was looking at him like she had known the whole time he wouldn’t go and was only mildly disappointed.<br/>
<br/>
“What’re you afraid of?” Alfie said in an easy tone. “Can’t you swim?”<br/>
<br/>
Tommy turned slowly back to him. “I’m not afraid.”<br/>
<br/>
“It’s alright, mate,” Alfie said. “I can teach you.”<br/>
<br/>
Tommy tried to imagine it: Alfie Solomons teaching him how to fucking swim.<br/>
<br/>
“Come on, Tommy,” Alfie said in a quiet voice. “For me. I haven’t taken a nice little vacation with a friend for a long time.” He frowned. “Probably never.”<br/>
<br/>
“We aren’t friends,” Tommy said and sighed. “Okay. I’ll come. But just so that you both know, this is fucking crazy, and I’m angry at both of you for thinking that I’d ever agree to this.”<br/>
<br/>
“Of course, mate,” Alfie said with a serious face.<br/>
<br/>
Ada was smiling like someone had gotten her a horse for Christmas.<br/>
<br/>
<em>Okay</em>, Tommy thought, made sure he had his gun and his luggage and walked to the car. Alfie opened the passenger door for him. It was probably a bad sign that it wasn’t the oddest thing he had agreed to today. He would have been more worried if he hadn’t been so tired.<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
**<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
“So, this might be a problem,” Alfie said in a slightly worried voice.<br/>
<br/>
Tommy dropped his luggage onto the threshold and lighted a cigarette as quickly as he could. <em>Fucking hell. </em>On the long ride to Brighton, he had almost convinced himself that this wasn’t the worst fucking idea he’d ever had. But he was going to have to reconsider.<br/>
<br/>
“The plan,” Alfie said slowly, “was that we’d have rooms in the same hotel. It’d be convenient, you know. If you tried to slip away and start some kind of an illegal business with someone, I could catch you and put you back into your nice hotel room to enjoy your holiday. But, mate, I swear that was it. You were supposed to have your own room.”<br/>
<br/>
“Really?”<br/>
<br/>
“Really,” Alfie said. He sounded genuine, but he had also sounded genuine multiple times right before going behind Tommy’s back and almost getting him killed.<br/>
<br/>
But to be honest, Tommy didn’t have a fucking clue why Alfie would do something like this on purpose. What could Alfie possibly gain from only booking them one hotel room so that they’d have to sleep in the same fucking bed<em>?</em> What the fuck?<br/>
<br/>
“The bed seems big enough,” Alfie said.<br/>
<br/>
Tommy turned on his heels and went to talk to the manager.<br/>
<br/>
The problem was, as he found out not five minutes later, that the hotel was fully booked. He considered pulling his gun at the manager and demanding that he’d get rid of a few guests to give Tommy his own room, but Alfie rested his hand on Tommy’s elbow just when he was thinking about it. Alfie’s hand was surprisingly big and warm and heavy.<br/>
<br/>
So, what if he and Alfie shared a hotel room with only one bed? He had slept in funnier places. He had slept outside and in the stables and on the muddy ground in France stuffed in between the other soldiers with someone’s foot poking at his face. And sometimes it happened when he tried to fall asleep that he started listening to his own breathing, and it was the only thing he could hear, and it started sounding like it was coming from outside his body. And then he thought there was someone else in the room, but he wasn’t, he wasn’t there anymore, maybe hadn’t been in a long time, maybe whatever had his body was someone else entirely and he was just a ghost watching it from the outside.<br/>
<br/>
And then, if he was lucky, he slept for a few hours and dreamed about Grace, or about France, or about Grace and France, which was the worst.<br/>
<br/>
“You’re taking this surprisingly well,” Alfie said to him when they got back to their shared hotel room. “Are you going to murder me in my sleep, mate?”<br/>
<br/>
“No,” he said and sat down on the edge of the bed. “Too much trouble.”<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
**<br/>
<br/>
It didn’t take long until he was considering how much trouble it would actually be if he murdered Alfie in his sleep. Alfie wanted to take a walk on the beach. Alfie wanted to <em>sit </em>on the beach for a while, watching the sea. Then Alfie wanted to eat in the restaurant. Then Alfie wanted to have <em>another </em>walk on the beach. Then Alfie wanted to eat in the restaurant <em>again.</em> And Tommy followed him because he didn’t have a fucking clue what else to do in here, and also because Alfie kept talking to him, and it seemed a little rude to disappear in the middle of a one-sided conversation.<br/>
<br/>
When they were having the second dinner in the hotel’s restaurant, Tommy realised he was surprisingly hungry once he started eating. It seemed possible that he hadn’t remembered to eat much in the past weeks. Or months. He couldn’t tell. Eating seemed so pointless sometimes, and so boring. But now, Alfie was telling a tale about horses he had known when he had been a kid, and those horses had been <em>mean</em>, only Tommy was sure that the horses had been fine and Alfie just hadn’t known how to talk to them. That had to be it. But Alfie told the same story twice and then started another one without a pause, somehow managing to eat while talking, and Tommy couldn’t leave the table, so he ate as well. And Alfie didn’t drink, so Tommy didn’t drink much either, only a few glasses of wine, and when Alfie finally paused and said he was finished with the dinner, Tommy felt a little weird.<br/>
<br/>
“Your stomach is full,” Alfie said, when Tommy pointed that out, “and you aren’t drunk. That’s what it is, mate. You’re going to be alright.”<br/>
<br/>
Tommy wasn’t convinced but he followed Alfie upstairs anyway. Thank god Alfie didn’t want to go for another walk on the beach but sat down in the armchair in the corner instead and started reading a book he pulled from his pocket. It was a paperback that looked like it had been dragged through hell. <em>Poetry</em>, Alfie said when Tommy asked, so he didn’t ask again, only sat in the other chair and tried to look like he was reading, but really he listened to Alfie’s breathing instead. Alfie breathed so <em>loudly</em>. It was like he wanted to make sure Tommy wouldn’t forget for a second there was another living being in the room with him.<br/>
<br/>
It was nice.<br/>
<br/>
After a while, Alfie said he wanted to get to the bed. They took turns in the bathroom and then climbed to the bed and fought over the duvet a little, since it turned out there only was one. But it was alright in the end. Alfie was on his side on the edge of the mattress and Tommy was on his side on the other edge, facing the wall. He could hear Alfie breathing. He thought he could almost feel the warmth of Alfie’s body. It wasn’t like in France, not really, it was more like when he had been a kid. He’d never slept alone then.<br/>
<br/>
A little later, Alfie started snoring. It only made it better.<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
**<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
When Tommy woke up the next morning, he felt rested. He didn’t even have a headache. What he had instead was a hard-on, and Alfie was sitting in the chair already, reading his poetry and smiling brightly when he saw Tommy waking up.<br/>
<br/>
“Good morning, mate,” Alfie said, while Tommy sat up on the bed. “How was your night? Good, I hope.”<br/>
<br/>
“Fuck off,” Tommy said, climbed off the bed, walked to the bathroom and locked the room. There he stared at himself in the mirror for a few seconds. Well, this was odd. His head didn’t feel like it had been stuffed with mud and then kicked at a few times. He wasn’t exactly sure what to think about it.<br/>
<br/>
The other issue was simpler. He thought about telling Alfie to get lost for a while, but it seemed like too much of a hassle. He pushed his pants to his knees and took his cock in his hand. The funny thing was that he had had a dream last night, and if he remembered right, Alfie had been in it. They had been in the fucking bed, he and Alfie, in the bed in their hotel room, only Alfie had been on him for whatever fucking reason, pulling off his clothes and talking his usual nonsense. Something about mean horses probably.<br/>
<br/>
Tommy snorted and then tightened his grip and had to bite his lip. He wasn’t going to start fucking moaning now that Alfie was right there behind the wall. And it probably wasn’t a very sturdy wall. Alfie could hear every little noise Tommy made.<em> Shit</em>, maybe Alfie could even hear the smacking sound of Tommy’s hand on his cock as he sped up his hand. In the dream it had been Alfie’s hand on him. Alfie had kept him still in the bed and when he had tried to wriggle, Alfie had placed his forearm on his chest and held him down. He should’ve been angry. Maybe he had been. But everything was so soft around the edges in dreams. In real life, he could never imagine letting Alfie press him down to the mattress and do with his cock whatever he wanted. Alfie would probably start playing with the damn thing. Alfie wouldn’t let him come and wouldn’t shut up and wouldn’t fucking <em>listen</em> and would probably keep Tommy on the edge for fucking forever -<br/>
<br/>
He bit back a moan as he came and then grabbed the edge of the sink for a few seconds until he felt steady again. So, maybe it wasn’t ideal that he had just jerked off to the idea of Alfie doing that for him, while Alfie was right there in the other room. But then again, it wasn’t no one’s fucking business what he thought when he had his hand on himself. Most of all, it wasn’t <em>Alfie’s</em> fucking business. It had nothing to do with Alfie. He didn’t want Alfie to actually do anything like that to him, no, he didn’t do things like that. Thinking wasn’t the same than doing.<em> Everyone </em>thought about another man’s hand on their cock once in a while. But it’d be a fucking bad idea to get involved with Alfie Solomons and there was no way he was going to do that.<br/>
<br/>
He washed his hands, cleaned himself and then unlocked the door. Alfie was still sitting in the chair, his legs crossed and the book in his lap.<br/>
<br/>
“Had fun?”<br/>
<br/>
“Shut up,” Tommy said and opened his suitcase. Maybe he could wear something a little more casual today, if Frances had packed something like that for him. He definitely wouldn’t need a vest or a tie.<br/>
<br/>
“Not that I mind, mate,” Alfie said, watching him. “Sounded fun, that’s all.”<br/>
<br/>
“Are we going to have breakfast or not?” he asked. He had an odd feeling in his stomach and he supposed that could be hunger.<br/>
<br/>
“I’m ready when you are,” Alfie said. “Leave the top button open.”<br/>
<br/>
Tommy stopped buttoning his shirt. It wasn’t exactly <em>casual</em> but it was certainly more casual than some of his shirts. “Why?”<br/>
<br/>
“It’s going to make you look less like a tiny little gangster,” Alfie said, not looking at him. “And also, you have a nice throat.”<br/>
<br/>
Tommy left the top button open.<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
**<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
It wasn’t a terrible day, until Alfie started talking about teaching Tommy how to swim. He asked Alfie why the hell the bastard thought he couldn’t swim, and Alfie asked him if he could. After that, he decided that if he kept his mouth shut, Alfie had to drop the subject at some point.<br/>
<br/>
What happened instead was that he found himself in the fucking sea. He wanted to drown Alfie but didn’t know how to do that without drowning himself first. The water was cold and wet and very unpleasant, and he hadn’t even known he owned a pair of swimming shorts and never wanted to wear them again, and Alfie was watching him with a soft look in his eyes as if it was fucking <em>delightful</em> that Tommy didn’t know how to swim.<br/>
<br/>
Alfie had also pointed out that Tommy was too pale, which was fucking absurd, because Alfie was just as pale, he just had more body hair to cover it. Tommy had said that out loud and Alfie had just laughed at him, which for some reason had only made it worse. And now they were standing in the water and he was watching Alfie, which was a mistake, but there was nothing else to watch. And also, he had to keep an eye for Alfie or else Alfie would probably try to get him to swim.<br/>
<br/>
“Try to float, mate,” Alfie said now, taking a step towards him. He took a step to the opposite direction. “Float a little. It’s easy.”<br/>
<br/>
“No,” he said, “it’s impossible.”<br/>
<br/>
“Tommy,” Alfie said, “you’re being stubborn. If you just let me hold you –“<br/>
<br/>
“Don’t fucking come near to me,” Tommy said and started walking away from Alfie, just in case. He was walking along the coastline, and the waves climbed onto his chest but not higher, and for some reason the water was warmer now. And the scenery was pretty nice. <em>And </em>it wasn’t exactly a bad feeling to have wet sand under his bare feet.<br/>
<br/>
“Tommy,” Alfie said, following him. “Really, it’s important to learn how to swim. What if you got to the sea with some bastard and he pushed you to the water? Some handsome bastard in his red swimming shorts?”<br/>
<br/>
“That’s a ridiculous colour,” he said.<br/>
<br/>
“Yeah, well, they were cheap. It’s not like I’m rich or anything.”<br/>
<br/>
“Alfie,” he said and turned to face Alfie. Alfie stopped, which was a surprise. A welcome surprise, of course. They weren’t even in a touching distance. “I can’t swim.”<br/>
<br/>
“Yeah, I kind of figured that out,” Alfie said. “We could just walk for a while.”<br/>
<br/>
“In the water.”<br/>
<br/>
“Yeah.”<br/>
<br/>
“We’re already walking in the water.”<br/>
<br/>
“Yeah,” Alfie said, “so, go on. I’ll follow. Did you know that you have freckles on your back?”<br/>
<br/>
“I don’t… fucking <em>hell, </em>Alfie.”<br/>
<br/>
“It’s lovely,” Alfie said. “Go, on Tommy. Walk a little.”<br/>
<br/>
He was going to tell Alfie that he didn’t have freckles on his back, but he didn’t know that, did he? So, he just kept walking and imagined Alfie looking at him. It was a little odd that Alfie kept his mouth shut as they walked, but he didn’t want to ruin it, so he didn’t look over his shoulder. He knew that Alfie was there, anyway. He could hear him.<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
**<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
It was odd how easily he got used to Alfie’s company. They ate dinner together and then stayed at the hotel’s bar for a while after. He had a few glasses of whiskey and Alfie told him stories about his childhood, stories that had to be made up. But Alfie kept talking with a perfectly serious face and Tommy nodded to everything he said and never questioned anything, and the stories got wilder and wilder until Alfie as a seven-year-kid was wrestling with a wolf in a waist-deep snow in the Scottish Highlands. That was a good story. Tommy took a long sip of his whiskey and leaned closer to Alfie, because Alfie had gotten to the point where one was going to die, the wolf or he, and his voice was getting lower and huskier. Tommy wanted to hear the ending. He wouldn’t have put it past Alfie that the bastard would tell him with a straight face that the wolf had killed him.<br/>
<br/>
“And then we stared at each other for a while -,” Alfie paused and took a deep breath. “Why the hell are you so unhappy?”<br/>
<br/>
Tommy blinked and straightened his back. “What? What happened to the wolf?”<br/>
<br/>
Alfie snorted, took Tommy’s glass of whiskey and sniffed at it. “Maybe it’s this stuff you keep drinking. It’s rotten, you know. It makes people rot from the inside.”<br/>
<br/>
“You make it, too.”<br/>
<br/>
“Yeah,” Alfie said slowly and put the glass back onto the table, “and my stuff is the worst. I’d never drink it. Why’re you so unhappy, Tommy?”<br/>
<br/>
He wasn’t going to have this conversation with Alfie of all people. Definitely not. Even though if he had ever wanted to talk about his supposed unhappiness, this would have been a good place to do it. This was fucking Brighton. He was on a vacation. And Alfie Solomons didn’t give a fuck about Tommy being unhappy. Alfie didn’t care. It’d be easier to talk with someone who didn’t.<br/>
<br/>
He emptied his glass. “How the fuck would I know?”<br/>
<br/>
“You could think about it a little,” Alfie said, resting his chin on his hands. He looked ridiculous. Only a few hours later, he had followed Tommy around in the sea in his red swimming shorts. “You’re so unhappy that your family sent you on a vacation with <em>me.</em> That’s bad, mate.”<br/>
<br/>
Tommy bit his lip. “Yeah.”<br/>
<br/>
“You’re smiling, you damn idiot.”<br/>
<br/>
“Yeah.”<br/>
<br/>
“I’m being serious here.”<br/>
<br/>
“How about the wolf?” he asked, leaning back in his chair. Alfie didn’t flinch. “Did you kill it? Or did it kill you?”<br/>
<br/>
“I killed it,” Alfie said. “I’m very big.”<br/>
<br/>
“You said you were seven.”<br/>
<br/>
“I was very big even when I was seven,” Alfie said. “Listen, the reason why your sister asked me to come with you to this trip was that I’ve been talking with her at the phone.”<br/>
<br/>
Tommy swallowed. “What?”<br/>
<br/>
Alfie stared at him. “I called your house once. I wanted to talk to you. And she answered. She said you were unwell, and I kind of… I like to talk sometimes. I suppose you might’ve noticed. So, I started talking, and also I kind of wanted to know what the fuck was wrong with you, Tommy, so I tricked her into telling that you had just drunk too much and were lost inside your stupid head or something. And then we talked a bit more. She’s a lovely woman, your sister. A clever thing. And, yeah, so I asked her number.”<br/>
<br/>
“Her number –“<br/>
<br/>
“Yeah. I told you I’ve been talking to her.”<br/>
<br/>
“Alfie –“<br/>
<br/>
“About you, mostly,” Alfie said, “so if you’re about to get jealous, don’t. We were mostly talking about you. I wanted to know how you were doing and what exactly you were doing and all the details, and she told me nothing of an essence, but I’m very good at guessing. And as I said, I like talking.”<br/>
<br/>
“Alfie,” Tommy said slowly, “you can’t fucking call my <em>sister.</em>”<br/>
<br/>
“Why not?” Alfie asked, tilting his head to the side. “You don’t own her. Maybe she and I are friends.”<br/>
<br/>
“You can’t be friends with her. It’s too dangerous. I forbid it.”<br/>
<br/>
Alfie chewed on his lower lip. “Well, okay then. Since you forbid it. But really, what I wanted to tell you was that that’s why I’m here. She called me and asked me because she knew me already. And she also knew that I’m kind of invested in keeping you alive.”<br/>
<br/>
“Invested –“<br/>
<br/>
“Yeah. Because you’re the funniest little thing in our circles. You’re tiny and you drink too much and you don’t even sleep and still you manage to do impossible things.”<br/>
<br/>
“So,” Tommy said, shifting in his chair, “I’m like, I don’t know. The circus.”<br/>
<br/>
“That’s a poor metaphor, mate,” Alfie said, shaking his head.<br/>
<br/>
“We should get back to our room. It’s getting late.”<br/>
<br/>
“What, are you planning to sleep tonight?”<br/>
<br/>
“I slept last night.”<br/>
<br/>
“Yeah,” Alfie said and took a deep breath, “yeah, so you did. Let’s go. Let’s go to our room, the circus.”<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
**<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
Tommy slept at least six hours that night. Early in the morning, he woke up with a vague image of Alfie having one hand on his mouth and the other on his cock still lingering in his mind. Alfie was still asleep, so he went to the bathroom, sat down on the floor and jerked off. He tried not to hurry but he was already half-hard when he started, and Alfie was snoring at the other side of the door. He didn’t bother to try to keep quiet.<br/>
<br/>
When Alfie finally woke up, Tommy was already sitting in the chair, reading the book Alfie had left on the night table. It actually was poetry and he didn’t understand a fucking thing about it. Alfie didn’t say anything about the book, only went to the bathroom and locked the door. Tommy didn’t try to listen, not really. But there was no way Alfie could jerk off so quickly and quietly, so he probably didn’t have dreams about Tommy. That was good. That made it simple.<br/>
<br/>
“We should go to swim again today,” Alfie said when he came back to the room. “We’re staying by the sea, after all.”<br/>
<br/>
“Fucking hell, Alfie,” Tommy said, but he had to bite his lip not to smile.<br/>
<br/>
“You looked very nice in your swimming shorts, with all your -,” Alfie did a vague gesture with his hand, “skin and everything. And bones. All that. You can run away from me in the sea and I can follow you. It’ll be nice.”<br/>
<br/>
“I don’t know what’s wrong with you,” Tommy said.<br/>
<br/>
They went to swim after lunch – well, they went to walk in the sea. There were a little less people at the beach than there had been the last day, and Alfie didn’t talk much, only followed Tommy from a short distance and didn’t make stupid comments about how he couldn’t swim. Once, Tommy walked so deep in the sea that the water reaches his neck, and then he closed his eyes and pushed his head under the water, just for a second. Everything went quiet and unreal. Maybe this was why people liked swimming. But then he got water in his nose and rushed back to the shore, and Alfie followed him and didn’t even laugh.<br/>
<br/>
In the evening, they had dinner and then sat in the bar and talked and watched dancing people and gave points to the men in fancy clothes who were clearly looking for company to warm their beds. Alfie didn’t tell tales about his childhood. Tommy didn’t make guesses about his unhappiness. He didn’t fucking know why he was unhappy. Maybe it was in his blood or something. Maybe he just missed Grace. Or maybe France had broken him. It surely felt like that. But Alfie didn’t ask and so he didn’t have to say anything.<br/>
<br/>
That night, he had a dream in which he was sitting in Alfie’s lap and they both were naked. In the morning, he jerked off in the bathroom and when he got back, Alfie was sitting on the bed, watching him with a careful look on his face.<br/>
<br/>
“I’m hungry,” Tommy said and started pulling on his clothes.<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
**<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
“Tommy.”<br/>
<br/>
He blinked. He was sitting in the chair in their hotel room, staring at the bed. It looked bigger now that there was no one in it. In half an hour or something they’d be in bed, Alfie and him, they’d be laying there, side by side, and he would think he could feel the mattress move in the rhythm of Alfie’s breathing.<br/>
<br/>
He emptied his glass and then grabbed the bottle. They’d be going home tomorrow.<br/>
<br/>
“So,” Alfie said, putting the book aside. He was wearing glasses and his hair still looked damp from the bath he had taken earlier. “So, you’ve decided you want to rot your brain tonight.”<br/>
<br/>
“Shut up.”<br/>
<br/>
“I’m just curious. You have the whole bottle there. Are you finally tired of my company?”<br/>
<br/>
“Why’re you reading that?” Tommy said, nodding towards the book on Alfie’s night table. “You can’t possibly understand what it’s about.”<br/>
<br/>
“I don’t need to understand it to like it,” Alfie said, tilting his head to the side. “The same goes with you, obviously, because mate, I don’t understand you at all.”<br/>
<br/>
“No?”<br/>
<br/>
“Do you even know what you want?”<br/>
<br/>
Tommy took a deep breath and leaned back in his chair. He was fucking tired, but it was one of those nights he just knew he couldn’t sleep. He’d lie on the bed, thinking about Alfie only inches away from him.<br/>
<br/>
“Who knows?” he asked. Last night, he had had a dream in which it hadn’t been just a hand on his cock, it had been the two of them fucking. “Who the fuck knows what they want?”<br/>
<br/>
“So, that why you’re trying to have everything?” Alfie asked in a nice tone.<br/>
<br/>
Tommy wanted to throw something at him. “Shut up.”<br/>
<br/>
“Because I’m afraid you might get it. And then you’d have everything and no goddamn clue about what to do with it.”<br/>
<br/>
“I’ll worry about it then.”<br/>
<br/>
“You’ve been sleeping alright,” Alfie said, “here, with me.”<br/>
<br/>
Tommy pressed the heels of his hands against his closed eyes.<br/>
<br/>
“And you’ve been jerking off every morning.”<br/>
<br/>
<em>Fucking hell.</em><br/>
<br/>
He opened his eyes. Alfie was staring at him, but he couldn’t make sense of the look on Alfie’s face. “Haven’t you?”<br/>
<br/>
“Well, I’ve been a little more subtle about it,” Alfie said. “Not that I mind listening to you. I really don’t. It’s been one of the best of the many highlights on this trip. Of course I’ve also enjoyed watching you walk in the sea like you’re afraid it might eat you whole.”<br/>
<br/>
Tommy blinked. “I can’t swim.”<br/>
<br/>
“Yeah, I know.”<br/>
<br/>
“I can’t fucking<em> think.</em> Usually this helps. Drinking.”<br/>
<br/>
“Really.”<br/>
<br/>
“It makes my head quiet.”<br/>
<br/>
“There’re other ways.”<br/>
<br/>
Tommy put the bottle onto the floor and took a cigarette. His hands weren’t exactly steady. “Do you think about me?”<br/>
<br/>
Alfie shifted in his chair, frowning at him. “What?”<br/>
<br/>
He shook his head. It had been a stupid thing to ask. He was drunk and tired and fucking lonely and sometimes it still took a him a few seconds in the mornings to remember why Grace wasn’t there in the bed with him.<br/>
<br/>
“Think you like what?” Alfie asked, his voice sharper now. “Tommy?”<br/>
<br/>
“We’re sleeping in the same bed.”<br/>
<br/>
“Yeah, we are,” Alfie said. “Tommy, just fucking say what you mean.”<br/>
<br/>
He tried to look at anything else but there was nothing else to look at, only Alfie. Just like there was nothing else to think about at night. “You’re right there.”<br/>
<br/>
“Tommy,” Alfie said and licked his lips, “are you trying to ask me if I think about you when I’m jerking off? Is that what you’re trying to ask me? Thomas?”<br/>
<br/>
“No,” Tommy said, but his voice came out thin and nervous and he couldn’t fucking help it. How the fuck would he have known why he was unhappy? He had tried to dig it out, but it was too deep in him.<br/>
<br/>
“Do you want me to say that I fucking fancy you?” Alfie asked. He sounded almost angry now. It was good. It was better like this. Tommy could snap at him and then they could argue about it. “Do you? Because, alright, I can do that. I think you’re pretty. I think it’s a miracle you haven’t got yourself killed already and I’m goddamn happy about that. You’re a fucking paradox, Tommy. The whole circus, like you said. And yeah, I’d happily fuck you if you let me. But that’s not… that’s not the goddamn… that’s not<em> the point.</em>”<br/>
<br/>
Tommy opened his mouth and then closed it again. Then he bit his lip. “Because I’ve had dreams about you.”<br/>
<br/>
“You’ve had dreams about me –“<br/>
<br/>
“Yeah. When we’ve been here. I’ve had dreams about… us having sex.”<br/>
<br/>
“Really.”<br/>
<br/>
“Why the fuck would I lie about that?”<br/>
<br/>
“I don’t fucking know,” Alfie said, shifting in his chair. “But I’m also having hard time trying to figure out why you’re telling me.”<br/>
<br/>
“I dreamt… I dreamt that I was in your lap.”<br/>
<br/>
“Holy shit, Tommy.”<br/>
<br/>
“No, it was… it was nice. I don’t know what exactly we were doing. It wasn’t very vivid.”<br/>
<br/>
“It wasn’t <em>vivid.</em>”<br/>
<br/>
“No.”<br/>
<br/>
“So, that’s what you’ve been thinking about.”<br/>
<br/>
“I don’t know.”<br/>
<br/>
Alfie was quiet for a long time. Tommy could feel his heartbeat getting stuck in his throat. This was too much, and too little, and he wanted to take his gun and his things and get out of the room, to the car, away from here, back to…<br/>
<br/>
He didn’t know where.<br/>
<br/>
“So, how’re you feeling now?” Alfie asked finally. “What’re you thinking about? Because if you need to lock yourself in the bathroom and rub it off, I could give you a hand with that.”<br/>
<br/>
Tommy swallowed. “A hand?”<br/>
<br/>
“Yeah,” Alfie said. “You can choose which one.”<br/>
<br/>
“Alfie –“<br/>
<br/>
“My right hand is better, though.”<br/>
<br/>
“Alright,” Tommy said and stood up, knocking the bottle to the floor in the process. It was empty anyway. He walked to the bathroom, closed the door and took a piss, and then he undid the lock and pulled his trousers to his knees. He should probably sit down for this. His head was heavy and the floor didn’t exactly stay still.<br/>
<br/>
“Tommy,” Alfie said through the door, then the steps came slowly closer, “Tommy, fucking hell, I don’t know what’s going on in here. I can’t play your games. Do you want me to come in or –“<br/>
<br/>
“You said -,” Tommy closed his eyes and took a deep breath, “- you’d give me a hand with it.”<br/>
<br/>
“Yeah, so I said,” Alfie said and opened the door. “Come on, Tommy.”<br/>
<br/>
“I’ve been thinking about you. Every night. Every night, there’s been a stupid dream about you. And I don’t know why. I don’t…”<br/>
<br/>
“Alright,” Alfie said and wrapped his arms around him. He was going to say something, maybe pull away, but he didn’t have time to decide until Alfie started dragging him away from the bathroom, over the threshold and to the bed. He let Alfie push him there, lay down on his back and closed his eyes. Having sex was always so much work. But now he couldn’t think. Maybe Alfie would jerk him off and let him sleep.<br/>
<br/>
“Sometimes I wish,” Alfie said and tugged Tommy’s pants all the way to his feet and then off altogether, “I wish you’d be a little kinder to yourself.”<br/>
<br/>
He bit his lip. “That’s bullshit, Alfie.”<br/>
<br/>
“Well, it kind of looks like you’re trying to kill yourself slowly, and that’s a goddamn waste. Now, don’t do anything.”<br/>
<br/>
“What?”<br/>
<br/>
“And try not to kick me in the face or something.”<br/>
<br/>
“<em>What?</em> Alfie –“<br/>
<br/>
But he had to bite back the rest of it. Alfie took a firm grip of his hips, leaned down and took his cock in his mouth, and he closed his eyes and tried to say something, but nothing came out. It shouldn’t have felt much different. He had had his cock sucked before. But when he reached down, he could wrap his fingers in Alfie’s hair, and Alfie made a noise that sounded like he was fucking <em>delighted</em> to have Tommy’s fingers in his hair and Tommy’s cock in his mouth. And in no fucking scenario had Tommy ever thought Alfie Solomons would do this for him.<br/>
<br/>
“Hey,” Alfie said, pulling back, “are you alright? Because you kind of sound like something’s breaking.”<br/>
<br/>
“Of course I’m fucking alright,” Tommy said, but he could hear in his own voice that he wasn’t. He was fucking lonely. That probably was the reason. That was it. He had been lonely for as long as he could remember and he didn’t fucking know how to stop.<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
**<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
“I really like you,” Alfie said later, stroking his hair.<br/>
<br/>
“Yeah,” he said, “alright.”<br/>
<br/>
“And I liked sucking your dick.”<br/>
<br/>
“Good.”<br/>
<br/>
“You’re an asshole, though,” Alfie said, but his touch was still gentle. “The worst kind. You know you’re one, but you also know you’re pretty, so you don’t care.”<br/>
<br/>
“That’s not fucking true, Alfie.”<br/>
<br/>
“I hope it is. Because that’d be easy to fix. That’d be manageable.”<br/>
<br/>
“I don’t need you to fix me.”<br/>
<br/>
“Of course you do. But it’s my problem, really. Whenever I see a broken thing, I want to fix it. Must be because my father used to repair clocks.”<br/>
<br/>
“No, he didn’t.”<br/>
<br/>
“You don’t have a fucking clue when I’m lying to you, have you?”<br/>
<br/>
“No.”<br/>
<br/>
“Too bad. Can you sleep like this?”<br/>
<br/>
“Maybe.”<br/>
<br/>
“I can stop touching you if you want me to.”<br/>
<br/>
“It’s alright. Alfie –“<br/>
<br/>
“Yeah?”<br/>
<br/>
“We’re going back tomorrow.”<br/>
<br/>
Alfie was quiet for a while, but his fingers kept stroking Tommy’s hair. “Yeah. But, you know. Your sister likes me. I suppose I’m going to have to stick around.”<br/>
<br/>
“I thought you’d fuck me today.”<br/>
<br/>
“You have high hopes for me, mate. And you don’t know how terrifying it is to even touch you.”<br/>
<br/>
“I’m not going to shoot you, Alfie.”<br/>
<br/>
“I fucking hope not,” Alfie said.<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
**<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
They drove back to Birmingham the next day. The sun was shining. Alfie was driving and he only talked about things that didn’t mean anything. Tommy’s head was oddly quiet considering that he had only slept for three hours. But Alfie’s fingers had been still in his hair when he had woken up.<br/>
<br/>
His house seemed too big when they finally drove to the yard. There were too many windows. He got out of the car and took his luggage.<br/>
<br/>
“Tommy,” Alfie said, opening the side door, “come here.”<br/>
<br/>
“What?” Tommy asked but went anyway. He rested his hand on the car’s frame and leaned down.<br/>
<br/>
Alfie put a hand on the back of his neck and pulled him closer. He blinked. He blinked twice, and then Alfie kissed him on the mouth.</p>
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